Lots of people have never asked me how I have singlehandedly become such a successful blind person. So just like all the advice I’ve ever given, I’m going to tell you even though no one asked.
- When you inevitably run into things, deny, deny, deny. You ran into that wall and knocked down some picture frames in front of some people? That’s okay, because if you didn’t see it happen, no one else did either. Blame it on someone else, and if there’s no one to blame, say it was a ghost. That’ll totally freak out any and all witnesses, people will avoid the area because it’s ‘haunted,’ and no one will suspect you (the blind person).
- When you’re talking to a friend and they walk away without telling you, don’t worry when someone interrupts your speech to tell you that your friend left. Just tell them that they totally shouldn’t be embarrassed, but you have the ability to make others invisible, and you were testing it out on your friend. They will be so impressed that they’ll forget about your missing friend, and they’ll like probably want to be your friend. Not only did you just save yourself from some major embarrassment, but you just made yourself a new bffl.
- When you’re trying to get somewhere and you get lost, don’t admit it to anyone, and don’t ask for help. If you ask for help, people will just assume you’re a helpless blind person, and they’ll be ashamed to help you. Instead, just keep walking around and crossing random streets. You’ll eventually make it to the place you need. This totally won’t result in you getting even more lost, and if it does, that sucks because asking for help is bad; don’t do it.
- When you go out wearing 2 shoes that don’t match and someone mentions it to you, don’t tell them that you couldn’t see the colors. Calmly explain to them that you are making a fashion statement. Say that you are fashion forward, and mismatched shoes are about to be the new thing. This way, no one will find out that your blindness means that you also can’t see colors. You just saved your dignity and your pride.
- When your printer runs out of ink and you end up handing your teacher 10 pages of blank paper instead of your research paper, it will be okay. Let them know that you got this new ink. Tell them that it’s really weird that they can’t see the print, because it’s Crystal clear for you. Then they’ll conclude that they are crazy, your professor will be convinced that you can see, and you can get some ink for the printer with no one the wiser.
Now go forth and prosper my friends.